Bros and Biddies, Hombres y Mujeres – VATO – why so goddamn afraid of my voice…OUR voice, THEIR voice? Is it because you fear, now that we are finally armed with knowledge and power, we will do to you what you have done to us? Relax, Vato. Calm down. How is it after all this time you still do not know who I AM?
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–When someone says, “We’re saying the same thing.”
Say, “We are not saying the same thing.”
–When someone says, “Don’t question, just have faith.”
Say, “I am questioning, vato, and I have supreme faith in what I think.”
–When someone says, “Don’t defy my authority.”
Say, “There is a higher authority that I follow.”
–When someone says, “Your ideas are seductive.”
Say, “No, my ideas are not seductive, they are substantial.”
–When someone says, “Your ideas are dangerous.”
Say, “Yes, my ideas are dangerous, and why are you so afraid hombre o mujer? ”
–When it is said, “It’s just not done.”
Say, “It will be done.”
–When it is said, “It is immature.”
Say, “All life begins small and must be allowed to grow.”
–When it is said, “It’s not thought out.”
Say, “It is well thought out.”
–When they say, “You’re over-reacting.”
Say, “You’re under-reacting, vato.”
–When they say, “You’re being emotional.”
Say, “Of course I have well placed emotions, and by the way, what happened to yours?”
–When they say, “You’re not making any sense.”
Say, “I don’t make sense, I am the sense.”
–When they say, “I can’t understand you when you’re crying.”
Say, “Make no mistake, I can weep and be fierce at the same time.”
–When they say, “I cant understand you when you’re being so angry.”
Say. “You couldn’t hear me when I was being nice, or sweet or silent, either.”
–When someone says, “You’re missing the point.”
Say, “I’m not missing the point, but you seem to be missing my point — What are you so afraid of?”
–When someone says, “You are breaking the rules.”
Say, “Yes, I am breaking the rules.”
–When someone says, “That’s not practical.”
Say, “It’s practically a done deal, thank you very much.”
–When it is said, “No one will do it, believe you, or follow it.”
Say, “I will do it, I will believe in it, and in time, the world may well follow it.”
— When it is said, “No one wants to listen to that.”
Say, “I know you have a hard time listening to that.”
–When it is said, “It’s a closed system, you cant change it.”
Say, “I’m going to knock twice and if there is no answer, then I am going to blow the doors off that system and it will change.”
–When it is said, “They’ll ignore you.”
Say, “They won’t ignore me and the hundreds of thousands who stand with me.”
–When they say, “It’s already been done.”
Say, “It’s not been done well enough.”
— When they say, “It’s not yet time.”
Say, “It’s way past time.”
–When they say, “It’s not the right day, right month, right year.”
Tell them, “The right year was last year, and the right month was last month, and the right day was yesterday, and you’re running behind schedule, vato, and what in the name of God and all that is holy are you going to do about it?”
–When they say, “Who do you think you are?” —
tell them …tell them who you are, and don’t hold back.
–When they say, “I put up with it, you’ll have to put up with it too.”
Say, “No, no, no, no.”
–When they say, “I’ve suffered a long time and you’ll have to suffer too.”
Say, “No, no, no, no.”
–When they say, “You’re an incorrigible, defiant, hard to get along with, unreasonable woman … ”
Say, “Yes, yes, yes, yes …and I have worse news for you yet–we are teaching our daughters, and our mothers, and our sisters…we are teaching our sons, and our fathers, and our brothers,
to be
just
like
us.
Go and do likewise in your own ways dear brave souls: Tribe of the Sacred Heart, many of us Scar Clan.
With deepest love for your soul who knows the way… has always known the way… Now is the time for deep prayer and effective actions…
Creator bless all the children who stand for us all, all the older people who stand for all the children, for everyone of learning heart and truth-seeking mind.
– Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
James
Amazing! You had a narcissist who found his way into your life and was your husband for 24 years; gave you 4 children that you adore and provided for you all along the way.
The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include: grandiose sense of importance, preoccupation with unlimited success, belief that one is special and unique, exploitative of others, lacks empathy, is arrogant, and is jealous of others.
It must have been really hard for you to live with him. He must have always been expecting you to do great things like keep the house immaculate, always have dinner ready when he came home from work and be hospitable to his dinner guests. Was he always wanting people over to impress? That must have been terrible!
I bet he exploited the fuck out of you huh? Was he always expecting you to serve him because he is so important. Geez, that is just stupid. He probably didn’t give a fuck about anything huh? Did he even cry at cheesy movies?
I bet he also just thought he was the shit! No accomplishments like medals or anything but just expected people to bow to him huh?
These kind of people need serious help. I’m glad you are free of him. More power to you!
Out of deference and respect for your father’s death and our daughter’s wedding, I temporarily disabled the blog and didn’t approve your comment for anyone to see. A friend just asked me to please open it back up as she has a friend in ministry going through the same thing and she thought my writing could help her. Thank you for this stellar contribution. You’ve given me SO much over the last year. More than enough. Please, no more. You rise or fall entirely by your own words and actions and it all happens in a court of law from here on out, not blogging or facebooking. I am neither your savior nor executioner. I am nothing to you. What a gory battle I’ve waged and raged to win that peace…to become that glorious nothing.
I truly loved you with everything I am, and holy shit did I hate you to the same degree as you projected everything on to me. I allowed myself full feeling and expression of that hate – alone – countless times, terrorized and terrified. I took it all, Jimmy. All your hatred and self-loathing. I felt, absorbed, then expressed every last bit until I died. I knew I had to die with it or live to become the monster. Who knew resurrection was becoming NOTHING!? It’s so beautiful, Jimmy. How I wish you’d gone all the way with me instead of walking me right up to the fire, shoving me in and diving away.
My last words to you in public are those I’ve already said to you in private. I wish you nothing but love and I hope you get help for your addictions in order to someday find yourself capable of mutually loving relationship with someone (anyone) without exploitative personal agenda and manipulation – first and foremost your own children.
It’s never going to be me. It never was. That has been the hardest thing to admit after having spent my entire adult life convincing myself and the world that WE were everything together (and tragically being MUCH too good at it).
There was never a We…only You, and I completely lost Me. Forward into the reality we each now choose for ourselves – alone. Everything that happens from here is what you have chosen/will choose for yourself. You will never choose for me again. I am nothing now, and I am free. Goodbye, Jimmy.