You’ve heard the stories, more than once. You’ve probably experienced it first hand in your institutions of worship, jobs, social circles, your own families – many more times than once. This thing is not rare.
It’s when the person you least expected, to whom you looked up to with the most respect and admiration for having a seemingly perfect life, often perched high on a pillar of some kind of authority, abruptly falls and is revealed to be the antithesis of their meticulously crafted public image.
It’s always shocking. You never saw it coming. You have a hard time reconciling your own very real feelings of love and appreciation for what this person has been and meant in your life with the horror of the reality once it’s exposed. You are left reeling and trying to figure out how to move forward with any kind of trust and goodness, knowing it’s for these very qualities you were targeted and exploited.
That’s what this thing is.
I don’t blame you for thinking I’m crazy, considering how very vocal I was in promoting the perfect family and marriage that up until very recently I would have sworn upon my children’s lives that we had. No. I don’t blame you at all. I mean, gah!…just LOOK at us.
I get daily Facebook memory reminders documenting exactly what and just how many glowing things I social media bragged about my husband this time a year ago, 2 years ago, 5 years ago, almost daily. My devotion and public declarations of adulation were all part of being the super codependent and cover that I was and that he needed me to be in order to hide the reality of what he is and had always been doing in the shadows. Now that I and our children know just how depraved and disordered that reality is (and more and more just keeps coming out), going over every memory of our lives together and every picture as a family without the blinders is like cyanide-laced salt in our gaping wounds. There is no surviving that. That family is dead. He killed it. Now he wants to kill me through negating my existence, destroying my reputation and impugning my integrity in the eyes of anyone he can get to believe him. His hatred for me knows no bounds. Why? Because I dare to be an individual separate from him, no longer feeding his wants, his needs, his agenda, no longer supplying him with the “good boy” “good father” image he is incapable of maintaining on his own…and because where I go, so go the kids and his entitlement to them.
Surely you’ve heard tale of families devastated by a spouse who’d been living a double life, maybe with a secret second family or salacious criminal underworld activities, who abruptly abandons their unsuspecting family, taking EVERYTHING and leaving them with NOTHING.
That’s what this thing is…at least what he’s been trying to do for a good 2 years now, though he has always been what he is. The only “abrupt” part of it is for those who finally dare to wake up to face the devastation and hell to pay for doing so.
I don’t blame you if you haven’t believed me up to this point – if you haven’t seen it yet for yourself; if every perception you have of this person contradicts the image of the monster I’m describing. I don’t blame you if in the war of “He Said/She Said” (that’s now at final showdown) you find it much easier to believe him. The pain, injustice, and indignity I’ve experienced as a result defies description, but I don’t blame or resent you.
I don’t blame you for questioning the appropriateness of how I’ve dealt with this on social media and through blogging as a cry for help, though I’ve repeatedly and exhaustively explained the psychopathy at play here; that not only are these creatures incapable of acknowledging, much less taking any responsibility for their actions and the devastation and chaos they wreak, they get off on torturing and discarding their victims, projecting EVERYTHING on to them and denying them any closure or any kind of relationship whatsoever, and turning everyone they can against them. Any person with a shred of empathy or humanity simply DOES NOT DO THAT. Monsters do.
I had to go public and draw him out to do the only thing one can get one of these creatures to do – defend their image to the death (their own) – and let him undo himself in order to get to some kind of resolution and closure to this nightmare. I will say one good thing about these things – they are utterly predictable once you know what it is you are dealing with. Any and all private conversation between the two of us (which became impossible many months ago) wherein I desperately tried to get to some sanity and working relationship for the sake of our kids, begging him to be any kind of functional father in their lives, was always met with the most foul cruelty and deflection, which I have thoroughly documented – and kept private. The kids have not seen it (though they’ve seen plenty for themselves displayed by him). My lawyer has. If he pushes it, a judge will as well. He will no doubt push it. Did I mention these creatures are nothing if not utterly predictable in their rage and self protection and promotion at the expense of everyone and everything else? They truly believe themselves to be omnipotent and above any and all accountability.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to believe you are being used and manipulated in his smear campaign against me as he projects every atrocity he has committed against his wife and children on to me, accusing me of being the abuser, the liar, the sexual deviant, the substance abuser, the crazy person, and the one alienating him from his children. You’re not stupid. You, like most normal people, probably think yourself to be a good judge of character and a person of integrity, so I understand more than anyone how nearly impossible this is to believe and accept, because…
I didn’t believe ME for 25 years – my own instincts, my own eyes and ears and experiences; being held captive in a perpetual state of distraction and manipulation away from the truth that was RIGHT THERE from the very beginning and all the way through.
I don’t blame you because the reality is too horrific to be believed. I continue to wake up most mornings in blissful forgetfulness. The effects of a quarter century of delusion don’t disappear overnight – if ever – but there’s a split second of not being conscious that the man I loved and trusted with everything I am and almost died giving all of myself to support is a monster intent on destroying me and attempting to use his own children, whom he also exploited and betrayed, to do it. There’s a split second of not remembering my marriage, my family, my entire adult life of ministry has been a massive sadistic con and that I’m living my worst fear as a single mother bearing 100% of the burden to care for my children’s physical, mental, and spiritual health while fighting for our lives against a predator and master manipulator – their own father – who has financially, emotionally and physically (me in particular) devastated us.
But then, like Groundhog Day, the crushing, stabbing shock of that reality I still desperately don’t want to believe rushes in again, morning after morning. That’s the numb state I’m (barely) operating in each day, putting one foot in front of the other to do what I’ve got to do to free myself and my children – all the while knowing there are so many mutual friends, two decades worth from a lifetime of ministry, who believe I am the monster and he the blameless, pitiful victim.
No. I don’t blame you. I thank you. I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt who my true friends and family are and those, regardless of the length or nature of our relationship prior, who absolutely are not and never really were.
I have an incredible base of support of friends and family who are measured in realness, not numbers or whether or not they are a boost to my image, who genuinely love me (and all humanity) as much and often times better than themselves, which by Jesus’ definition (whether they claim him or not) makes them true worshipers of God and worthy of my trust and admiration, regardless of whatever demonic slur the monster and his ilk may place on them and me in an attempt to undermine my support and avoid exposure.
I think most of all I don’t blame you because of what THEY have not said about any of this to this point.
I can understand how anyone would think that if anything I’ve been saying about the monster were true, surely these four would be backing me up. Well, here’s another one of those too-evil-to-be-believed realities that these creatures deal in – using their biological children as pawns and playing them against the other parent. He had a several-year head start on me knowing the day was approaching when I’d wake up and his jig would be up. It’s called triangulation, and it’s the sickest form of psychological manipulation there is to use your own children in this way, to warp their reality and turn them against their own mother. The two Littles were honestly never of any use to him in that regard. He was never involved in their daily lives or care in any way beyond show. They saw and understood first hand my devastation and their father’s increasingly bizarre and frightening manipulations and hatred towards me. Libby in particular has always seen straight through to what passes as his soul from the moment she was born and has handled the insanity and heartache of this last year like the absolute badass rockstar she is. The manipulations, rejection and abandonment killed JoJo’s infinite affections for his father and only exponentially strengthened them for me.
The reality for the Bigs, who really are the key to it all and the only ones with a voice anyone would listen to, is much more devastating. They weren’t there. They were away at college, which is when things first began to unravel and go very, very sick and dark. You see, you don’t leave these creatures or get to exist as a separate entity or have any kind of a life apart from them – it is not allowed. They consider it an absolute betrayal for which you deserve to be punished. And punish they absolutely do, the spouse in the sickest most covert ways, and then the children once they too awaken to the horror and are no longer useful to manipulate and use against the primary source who is being devalued, smeared and discarded.
I’ve known what he is since December, but I had to leave the Bigs out of it completely as the monster doubled down on his spin and diversion in the battle to control the narrative and maintain control. Both of the adult kids were in psychological distress, completely separate (or so they thought) from their parents’ insanity, before our world fell apart in November. I had to focus on being the help and support they needed (which is still an epic struggle) while letting the thing, that is no father by any definition other than contributing half their DNA, continue to poison them with his lies and hatred while I remained silent and bided my time, not knowing when I’d have enough evidence to take him down, but that I eventually would and that he would end up being his own executioner. In the meantime, as excruciating as it was to watch, I HAD to let the Bigs see it and figure it out for themselves. Anything I would say or do would only be used against me.
That’s what this thing is.
That time is now. The Bigs have seen and they do fully understand, and for that I both rejoice for me and deeply, deeply grieve for them. He was his own executioner at his daughter’s graduation. He sabotaged the entire weekend. After not seeing his children for 6 months nor showing any interest or involvement in any aspect of their lives that are now here in Nashville, all he could do was sulk and glare and continue to spew his hatred toward me to the kids and demand they come to see him this summer and insisting he was going to get joint custody. I poked the monster in those bloodshot, frenzied eyes nonstop for those few precious hours we had with him, knowing it was the only chance I was ever going to get for him to break for all to see. Part of their predictability is being able to trigger a narcissistic rage response by challenging them. It’s incredibly easy (and very dangerous) to do, but I went for it and got what I needed in spades.
What was supposed to be Kathryn’s graduation party ended before it ever had a chance to start. Not even giving it 5 minutes, witnessed by my parents, all four kids and my soon-to-be son-in-law, Jimmy started in with custody talk and my mom and I took him to task; me with open disdain (that he obviously relished and wanted and was exactly what I wanted my kids to see) and my mom with superhuman gentleness and grace. It was her love that he was powerless against and sent him into a panic, erupting in a fit of violent rage, slamming his fists on the kitchen counter so hard the house shook and screaming that I had emasculated him and that none of it mattered, all of this within inches of my mother, my hero, who just seconds before had been consoling him with her arm around him. He then inexplicably stormed out through the garage without saying goodbye to his children who were all huddled on the stairs crying. We didn’t know if he would come back and if so in what state. We didn’t know if he would get on his plane the next morning. We all silently scattered that night, no party, and waited. We didn’t hear anything until 3 days later when I received an email. The entire thing was how devastated HE was that none of us had called to apologize to HIM and more raging against me. He never apologized to Kathryn, only to Libby when she blasted him via text on the Xbox a few days later, but of course he insisted to her that it had really been MY fault. She would have none of his bullshit (a total freakin badass, that girl is, I’m telling you). She and JoJo have since agreed to block him on the Xbox rather than have to be the adults telling him they don’t want to talk about living in California or hear any more of his hatred for me. They are noticeably remarkably happier, carefree and more loving to each other and everyone else since then.
What you also won’t see or hear from Jimmy as he goes on his final social media self promotion tour as jilted, abandoned and woefully maligned father, is that Kathryn has told him he is not to come to her wedding out of fear he will be violent towards me and my family, my sisters in particular, for whom he continues to voice incredible disdain for calling him out publicly on Facebook a few months ago for things he’d actually done and said. Both Kathryn and Ryan have written to their father telling him they want him out of their lives in order to end his reign of terror and chaos in this family. Otherwise, Kathryn has asked to be left out of the upcoming legal proceedings entirely so she can focus on her wedding and marriage and real life in some semblance of peace. I’m respecting that as much as possible, though of course the monster has not.
Ryan is the man. Literally. He has become one overnight. He has taken on the role of father figure for Liberty and Joseph. Talk about unbelievable. I cannot wrap my mind and heart around this and I’m not sure I ever will. He doesn’t have to, but he is doing it willingly and is a natural; devoting more attention and affection and understanding of their individual personalities and needs than their actual father ever did or ever gave him, which was zero.
That monster has always been what it is, a shell of a human and emotional vampire. We just couldn’t see it because…
That’s what this thing is.
So, one more time…I don’t blame you for not wanting to believe reality when it’s taken me 25 years and countless trips to hell and back in order to see it.
But if you don’t believe me now in the war of He Said/ She Said and continue to support him at my and my children’s expense and even collude with him in a custody fight – fuck yes I will blame you, I will resent the hell out of you, and I will purge you from our existence. The monster will be exceedingly happy to have you as supply on which to feed and he’s welcome to have you, as many as he can get. The only ones that matter see and know him for exactly what he is and never was and understand what has to happen and are with me 100%. I’m going to let the only voice that matters be the last word before going radio silent until we are safe on the other side of this. If you are going to believe anybody, it should be our 20-year-old son, James Ryan Dickenson, who said, “Mom, he is never going to hurt you again and he is never getting these kids. He’s going to have to get through me.”
Here is his Father’s Day message: