Let It All Go/People Help The People

I don’t know why, I don’t know why
We need to break so hard
I don’t know why we break so hard

But if we’re strong enough to let it in (in, in)
We’re strong enough to let it go
Let it all go, let it all go
Let it all out now
Let it all go, let it all go
Let it all out now

Who says? Who says?
Who says? Who says?

Who says truth is, beauty after all
And who says love should break us when we fall

But if we’re strong enough to let it in (in, in)
We’re strong enough to let it go
Let it all go, let it all go
Let it all out now
Let it all go, let it all go
Let it all out now
We’re strong enough to let it go 

——————————————————————-
And this one…  People Help The People  <—–watch/listen
 
God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts
I guess you kissed the girls and made them cry
Those Hardfaced Queens of misadventure
 
God knows what is hiding in those weak and sunken eyes
A Fiery throng of muted angels
Giving love but getting nothing back
 
People help the people
And if you’re homesick, give me your hand and I’ll hold it
People help the people
And nothing will drag you down
 
Oh and if I had a brain, Oh and if I had a brain
I’d be cold as a stone and rich as the fool
That turned all those good hearts away
 
God knows what is hiding in this world of little consequence
Behind the tears, inside the lies
A thousand slowly dying sunsets
 
God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts
I guess the loneliness came knocking
No one needs to be alone, oh save me
 
People help the people
And if you’re homesick, give me your hand and I’ll hold it
People help the people
Nothing will drag you down
Oh and if I had a brain, Oh and if I had a brain
I’d be cold as a stone and rich as the fool
That turned all those good hearts away
——————————————————————-
I cannot stand with the tribe of dead-hearted, blind and deaf power mongers and control freaks who thrive on the suffering and exploitation of the vulnerable and powerless. I may be a sucker for redemption and connection, but I am no longer anybody’s fool.
God help me, I have no brain. I will always love him, and until death do us part, as far as it depends on me, will fiercely protect and keep alive an avenue of love and reconciliation for him to choose…or not. If that’s not the Way of Jesus and Whatever God There Is, then I guess I deserve to be pitied and shamed above all humans, but I’ll go to my grave with this holy delusion.

No Nostalgia Worse

This picture looks like it could have been taken in Visalia. I jacked it from my Littermate’s Facebook share today. Gut punch of truth for me. Whatever longing I had for my old life (that was no life at all) was a sick attachment to a facade, which now looks shoddy and ridiculous compared to the beautiful healthy reality I’m easing into. I do not miss it/him/them.

At Thanksgiving (best one we’ve ever had) the kids expressed how happy they are that we moved to TN and how much they love their life here. I can honestly say that the events of the past year are the best thing to ever happen in my life. Be careful what you pray for. You just might get it if you consider the cost and are willing.

The only sadness I feel now is for those who will never taste and see the goodness of reality because they won’t. You cannot make anyone else see. You can only leave others to their chosen delusions and toxic substitutions and get on to the banquet yourself.

facade

There is no nostalgia worse than longing for what never existed.

YOU CAN, BUT I CANNOT

YOU CAN, BUT I CANNOT

You can
call me names,
call out my flaws,
falsify what
you never saw,
slap my jaw,
parade around
man of straw,
throw me around,
for I’ve no quick-draw,

try to ice me with your cold,
so I can never thaw,
fling me down
some endless maw,
act as though my gifts from G-d
are no reason for dropping jaw,
tell me my words matter not,
that I just hem and haw,
you say nothing happened
when it was stars I saw.

You can
throw me to the floor,
bang my head
against the door,
slam my hands
in the drawer,
overwhelm my pleas
with your roar,
take my oars
so I can’t reach shore,
take everything I’ve got–
demand you’re owed more,
slash my sails
so I cannot soar,
insist my plea for life
is to you, an act of war.

You can
try to erase me,
try to outpace me,
you can bellow
I wont escape the chase,
you can put me away
in a lonely place,
tell me I ought not
show my face,
take from my deck,
for yourself, all the aces,
you can cram me
into your personal vases,
bad mouth me
tell everyone
I deserve no kindly spaces.

You can strip me of
my dignity,
toss my corpse
away abhorrently,
you can try to force
me to act abortively,
you can say the truths
I tell, are absurdities,

But I promise you this
though you can
try to break me,
my heart and more,
tho you call me a whore,
tell me I am wrong
to the core…

you cannot have
the Sun inside me
the One who glows
all the more–
no matter what comes,
no matter what goes–
You cannot still,
nor stop the Sun
that glows inside me.

Even in blood,
this Sun shines,
even surrounded by black,
this Sun grows the vine,
even though you try to
take from me ‘my Thine’
even though you
hurl and break my holy shrines,
this Sun is in no decline,
this Sun is my sign
that my soul is safe times nine.

You can take what is takeable,
even as you maim my heart,
try to tame my wild,
break my smile.
But no matter what
no matter the trials,
no matter those who make fun,
take joy, in my being shunned,
I cannot give you my Sun.

I cannot,
will never, as long as
there is breath,
even as you attempt
to demean me by stealth,
for my Sun is
my insurrection against death,
my Light will one day I pray,
bring me again
to a new day
of complete resurrection.

_________________

The poem YOU CAN, BUT I CANNOT, ©1965, 2016, by clarissa pinkola estés

Smear Campaign

So you’ve had your heart ripped open and torn to shreds, been physically and financially exploited and devastated, and now…here comes the smear campaign. If you are going to escape, there’s no escaping this classic hallmark of the malignant narcissist. It’s not enough to simply cut you open, they must fling fistfuls of excrement into the gaping wounds they inflict and recruit as many others as they can to join in. The only saving grace one has in breaking free from one of these things is in how utterly predictable they are in their pattern of behavior. They do not and cannot deviate from it.
 
The smear campaign is the absolute worst in terms of pain, isolation and humiliation.
 
However, the absolute best is on the other side once you’ve identified all the people in your life that need to go. For me, it’s been 98% of everyone I knew in 20+ years of church world. Gone. I do not miss any of them any more than one would miss cancer once in remission. The only real loss is in having to cut off some lovely genuine people with social/familial ties to the toxic ones. Losing them is like surgically removing a margin of healthy tissue around the cancer to ensure you’ve gotten it all.
 
My life is finally my own and I can breathe.
 
My children are happy because I am finally happy and free and sane. Every relationship that remains or is established going forward is healthy and REAL.
 
The enormity of the injustice and cruelty hurts like hell, but if you survive it without becoming the monster yourself…nothing can touch or stop you.
 
Nothing. It’s becoming my everything.

Leaving a Person with Narcissism: Here Comes the Smear Campaign

 

Adult with long curly hair listens on phone with disdainIt took FOREVER to finally leave the person in your life with narcissism, only to realize that once you made that fateful decision, your name became mud.

Your ex is not going to let you go without a fight. You’re going to be villainized like you never experienced before the breakup.

All your friends and family will hear how crazy, unbalanced, manipulative, and narcissistic you are. Your ex will be sure to strike first; you may not want to strike at all, but your hand may seem forced.

The smear campaign of a person with narcissism can be so convincing. Since, throughout the relationship, you mainly kept your mouth shut about the problems you were having, no one really saw this coming. When your ex starts to talk negatively about you, with feelings of hurt and strong conviction, others may be inclined to believe what they hear. They had no idea how “crazy” you were, but now, if they think about it, they do remember the time you did x, y, or z.

Like many people with narcissistic qualities, your ex can be a master manipulator. They can turn on the sad eyes and tears, convincing everyone how dearly you are loved by them and how clueless they are about why it ended so abruptly. Maybe it’s menopause or a midlife crisis on your part. Obviously, something is wrong with you.

The smear campaign may even work with your children. The children have become so accustomed to an abusive relationship that the concept of scapegoating seems normal. Blaming and villainizing others has been modeled as acceptable. They may see nothing abnormal about making you a target of wrath. And since they love the parent with narcissism, they likely want to win their favor, which makes it all the more easy for them to join in the campaign.

The Anatomy of a Smear Campaign

Here’s how a good smear campaign works:

  1. It generally contains an element of truth. For instance, if the person with narcissism complains you abandoned the relationship, well, this is true. They will likely go on and on about how all they ever wanted was to love you and stay with you, but you, in your evilness, flippantly left the relationship—for no reason other than you don’t care about anything other than yourself and can’t keep your commitments.
  2. It is done with implication. The person with narcissism may say something like, “I don’t want to sound mean, but certain people, who shall remain nameless, have me worried.” The person with narcissism may imply that, no matter how hard they have tried to help you or deal with your issues, you are irreparable. Some people—you being one of them—are just hopeless. Implication can be a very effective tool. Those listening come to their conclusions about you based on this subtly nefarious input.
  3. It is also done overtly. Sometimes the person with narcissism just comes right out and says it: you are a no-good lunatic! They will tell story after story about all the awful things you’ve done. They will take every vulnerability you’ve revealed to them and use it now, along with made-up information, to tarnish your reputation and slander your name.
  4. It is relentless. No one holds a grudge quite like a person with narcissism. They can carry a silent treatment to the grave just as well as they can carry a smear campaign. They are relentless. You may be shocked and dismayed by the battleground you find yourself navigating. Never have you encountered such an enemy.

How to Deal with Narcissistic Attacks

What can you do if you find yourself in this position? Here are some tried-and-true suggestions from those who have gone before you:

  • Learn to value yourself above anyone else’s opinion. The only way a smear campaign can work is if you allow it to. If people choose to go along with false accusations about you, then yes, it hurts—but you don’t have to let it destroy you. You can learn to not care what others think about you.

Yes, you do deserve defense, but being caught in the trap of trying to get others (and the person with narcissism) to see your good heart can become a never-ending battle. It is easier to simply tell yourself, “They aren’t going to see,” and move on.

  • Remember why you left the relationship in the first place. You were devalued and discarded. You did not leave to continue to be disrespected by others. If others are going to jump on your ex’s narcissistic bandwagon and join their hater campaign, simply walk away and remind yourself that you deserve respect.
  • Resist the urge to defend yourself. While this may be easier said than done, it is an important concept. Remember when you were in your relationship? You likely felt defensive often. You probably tried to explain yourself thousands of times, to no avail. You ended up being caught in all kinds of “gotcha” traps. So now that you’re out of the relationship, understand that this person continues to try to control your emotions in similar fashion—causing you to doubt your motives, your good nature, even your sanity. Yes, you do deserve defense, but being caught in the trap of trying to get others (and the person with narcissism) to see your good heart can become a never-ending battle. It is easier to simply tell yourself, “They aren’t going to see,” and move on.
  • Make a preemptive strike. In other words, make friends with your “enemies.” Let them get to know you personally. It’s a lot harder to hate someone you know well. If you can befriend the people your ex is targeting for their campaign, you may be able to affect some damage control. If the people being targeted are family (including your children), tell them your side of the story. Let them know you are the target of a smear campaign and to not believe what your ex is saying about you. Inform them your ex is creating “spin” to the point that what they are saying is fiction and a waste of time to believe. Be forthright, convincing, and firm. State your side once, then let it go.
  • Spend your time well. No matter what others think or do, you really have no power over them. The only person you have power over is yourself. Regardless of what others do with their thoughts and actions toward or against you, you cannot control them. You may be able to influence them, but that is all. Don’t spend a lot of your precious energy trying to make others see the truth. Spend time with people who don’t judge you—those who value you and help you feel supported and loved. Enjoy your life!

No Freedom Without Love, No Love Without Pain

pain

I firmly believe this. All addiction to hate and control (the mechanics of narcissism and addictive behavior in general) is deferred and projected personal pain. This awareness allows me to forgive and have compassion for those who despise and harm me, but it doesn’t mean I have to offer myself up to take it. For almost 3 decades in marriage and ministry I took it like a good girl – literally a thousand other people’s projected insecurities and pain – and almost died (as did my oldest 2 children). I take no one’s deferred shit ever again. I will embrace and deal with my own pain and failures and exorcise my demons out in the open and out loud as I’ve always done. It’s the only way for me to avoid drowning and being assimilated into a culture of callous dehumanization (and not want to kill roughly half the population of America that seems intent and content to kill and silence me and my loved ones).

I’ve discovered my superpower – An insanely high pain tolerance and compulsion to run straight at that bitch – name it, dissect it from every angle, and own it until it manifests as love.

No Freedom
Take it by your silence
That I’m free to walk out the door
By the look in your eyes I can tell
You don’t think I’ll be back for more
Try to think of the world
Where you could stay and these safe hands could go
Take your heart above the water
Wherever I choose to go
No love without freedom
No love without freedom
No love without freedom
No freedom without love
Even when you don’t see me
Even when you don’t hear
I’ll be flying low below the sun
And you’ll feel it all out here
No love without freedom
No love without freedom
No love without freedom
No freedom without love
No love without freedom
No love
———————————————–
No freedom without love, no love without acknowledging and embracing the pain of our unique-to-every-individual human damage.

I Don’t Miss Him

fire

 

Is it any wonder I relate to Charissa’s awakening and transition so hard? I (and quite possibly one or both of my adult children) would have died had she not appeared at the exact moment everything I’d depended on as “love” went toxic malignant. There are 150 or so people I have surgically removed from my life who would have been perfectly OK with and even preferred our quiet deaths to experiencing the slightest discomfort of reality themselves (all of them “Christian” and most of them Trump supporters). I don’t miss them. I don’t miss him – any more than one would miss cancer once in remission. I surely have missed me. 27 years is a long time to be separated, dissociated, dismembered, disconnected from the reality of love. Feeling weak and disoriented as one does waking from a fever dream, but I am awake and on the mend and relieved to be so.

Charissa's Grace Notes

Ima go ahead now,
pick up glowy embers
radiant and stinky
with the fires of days
long past…pick them up

with new hands and tender
soft flesh that has never
known shackles and chains,
calluses, rough edges.

Don’t gasp, they can’t hurt me!
I’m alive now, and wreathed
in grace and I’m shrouded
in mysteries of mercy
falling on the hungry

hard flames of agony.
See?  There they are…
the remnants of him,
gone at last, and frankly
I don’t miss him at all,

in the slightest, and really
all I had in common
with him was this body,
“Guffaw of the Universe”,
but not him, nothing

in common with him…well
except air, we both breathe
air…well, I breathe air, but
he doesn’t anymore…breathe.
And I don’t miss him.tumblr_nvg937KivG1qdxn3oo1_r1_1280

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What It Means When A Narcissist Says, “I Love You.”

 

WHAT IT MEANS WHEN A NARCISSIST SAYS “I LOVE YOU”

Dear Codependent Partner,

What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.

And that’s the whole point.

When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.

I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.

I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness.

I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.

I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)

(It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.

I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty.

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.

I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.

(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children  — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)

It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it.

(There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how its treated!)

(That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)

I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. … the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).

I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change.

“I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all those I consider inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)

“I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.

I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.

I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for others … and you!).

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. You, and in particular, your looking up to me, unquestionably, as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my drug of choice. (You may have noticed how touchy I am at any signs of being question; yes, I hate how fragile I feel at any sign of thinking that you, or the world, could judge me as having failed to keep my possessions in line.)

And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? It gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.”

I love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.

I love how I skillfully manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.

I love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may provide you a sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses, and that I instead keep your focus on my needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.

I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring your wants and needs are solely focused on not upsetting me, keeping me happy.

I love being a drug of choice you “have to” have, regardless of how I mistreat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you most value, and hold dear, to include the people you love, and those who love and support you.

I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell, and I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.

I love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you bring to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.

While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps.

I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report, which lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.

In short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority.

Thanks, but no thanks, I’m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating … and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn’t hampered.

Forever love-limiting,

Your narcissist

By   for TheMindsJournal

Words

When I read your FB text last night, I instantly related.

You are so consumed with your own pain that it makes me feel like I’m not your [relationship descriptor redacted].

Get on some meds you psycho bitch!!

No I am not [wonderful] but I think I am kind, and you were kind to me so I hope you will find peace and happiness in the future.

No time and in no way is it appropriate to be rude, unkind, cutting, demeaning, speaking out of rage and anger, and belittling others. I have seen you do each of these things with a measure of generosity. I have watched you shred those who even mildly suggest that you’re out of line.

Hi JD, I just wanted to say “Me Too”. My emotions are too raw to say anything beyond that, but ME TOO sister.

You need to get off Facebook and find some real friends.

I have a whole bunch of emotions there for you my friend. Anger, sadness, frustration to name a few. I haven’t been publicly posting on your timeline but have been following to some degree. You can – no, will – rise above this and find your own sense of self and all that entails.

This is a much more reasonable place to be. Not that being unreasonable is bad – I’m not saying that. But this post has much less estrogen-filled drama and is much easier to process (for me).

You think you are telling the truth but in fact you’re just regurgitating this woke woman diatribe that is out there in ultra feminist blogs.

I don’t have rich parents who come to my rescue every time things get a little bit hard.

I’m glad you’ve contacted scabies. I accept that as what you’ve got coming for what you’ve done to me.

You take care of you. We’ll keep praying, as always, for only good things for you – whatever those may be.

The truth? You mean your exaggerated story and outright lies that make you look like an abused victim.

I miss the person you suppressed not the person you are now.

You are a unicorn: pretty, but fierce as fuck. Damn. I mean, DAMN.

You’ve always been a bitter person.

You are beautiful inside and out.

omg! it’s impossible to reason with you.

Proud of you.

I can’t stand the woman you’ve become.

I was thinking about you and wanted to send you some love. There’s not really much I can say about the myriad things you’re going through, but I can at least let you know that much!

I’ve really, really been wanting to message you for a little while because I’ve felt so compelled to share with you a little bit more of my story. Extremely random, especially because it’s not something I’ve shared with very many, but I figure if anyone is going to understand, it’s going to be you.

Fine. I see how I rate with you now.

I don’t know what all is going on, but I admire your being upfront with how hard life is right now for you. When I felt my world was falling apart (my husband had left me and our two little ones to live the “carefree” life of a meth addict)…I kept it all to myself. I tried to make it look like everything was fine on the home front. I didn’t cry in front of my kids. The one friend I finally confided in told me what a disservice I was doing by acting like everything was normal…when clearly it was not. It was a sad time. Crying would be appropriate. Asking for help, support, love…would be appropriate. Live and learn. And pass on those lessons.

i commented, Jennifer, because from what i see, you need help. not only, but how you’re going about things mortifies me. i have no earthly idea how you can think this helps you, your kids, your extended family.

I can only say that I am proud of the decisions you have made. Teaching your children what courage and resolve look like in the face of adversity is an incredible gift.

That was really harsh the way you just talked to dad.

Hi Jennifer, sorry to hear all of the pain in your life these days. Very sorry…I can’t imagine what you are going through and I’m glad to hear you have a community around you. That is great! Thanks for sharing about your family.

You disgust me and I will hate you until the day I die.

I love you. You’re the best mommy in the universe.

 

Living Above the Curse (Part 3 – The Curse of Man)

We all know the Venus and Mars stereotypes. Women are complex multitasking nurturers, men are singularly-focused aggressive hunter/providers.

Woman with the flu, a cramping, hemorrhaging uterus and a baby attached to her boob pushes through her daily myriad of responsibilities to take care of the family vs. male devastated by Man Cold.

Generalizations? Sure. It’s that spectrum thing again. There’s a wide range of expression of gender roles and no real “supposed to be’s.” There just IS for each of us what IS based on our unique makeup. What IS, generally speaking for the cisgender male, is a testosterone-driven drive to accomplish and conquer in order to find satisfaction and self-worth.

This is neither good nor bad, to be neither admired nor mocked (though I’ve totally indulged in misandry along with every other woman by doing just that). It’s biology and psychology. It just IS. The writers of Genesis recognized it in Adam’s curse.

“Cursed is the ground because of you;
    through painful toil you will eat food from it
    all the days of your life.
18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
    and you will eat the plants of the field.
19 By the sweat of your brow
    you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
    since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
    and to dust you will return.”

The Woman’s complexity of curses are tied to the flesh from which she came. The Man’s curse is associated with the dirt from which he was God breathed. The curse of Man is the futility of his work. He has to toil very, very hard his entire life, be frustrated every step of the way, and then die and return to dirt as if he never existed.

Damn. So much for satisfaction. Honestly, I don’t envy a man his curse at all. It may be singular but it’s very, VERY heavy. From my observation it also makes him more vulnerable (not weak). Vulnerable to what? Despair. A Woman’s complexity and connections are her strength. When one pillar falls, there are others to compensate. When a man’s focus of satisfaction and self-worth disintegrates it more often than not turns him to denial, distraction, and destruction and a desperate grasp for control – anything but facing this reality that his desires and drives are going to be continually frustrated and in the end…utterly insignificant.

A theory I’m working on, but this might be why a lot of men keep such a tight lid on open expression of sadness and fear and are often dismissive of a women’s frequency and freer expression of the “difficult” emotions. For a man, it’s a sign of the despair and failure he’s trying so hard to outrun, so he does what he can to shut that shit DOWN. Just a theory.

Males also have a typically strong and aggressive sex drive that demands regular satisfaction. Biology. It just IS. So it is no mystery nor shock nor anything new under the sun when every single male on the planet frequently satisfies themselves in the most efficient ways without “toil” or risk of frustration or rejection in coordinating with an equally-willing Woman by taking it into their own hands, so to speak, with the help of readily available visual aids. But there is also taking it by force and through deception/coercion. Survey a group of 20 women and 19 of us can tell you the first time we were groped, harassed, or sexually violated. All of us can tell you the constant pressure we feel to be enough to satisfy a man along with everything else we’ve got going on with our bodies and brains.

Long story short – humans are ALL sexually frustrated and incredibly insecure. Being a truly satisfied human – mind, body, and soul – isn’t easy and only we as individuals are responsible for it, but most of us give up trying and settle for an endless string of cheap fixes outside ourselves to get us by, especially when life gets overwhelming. Add the handicap of having the body/brain hijacked as a child (which is the tragic case for SO many) and…well, it’s a jungle out there and there’s a lot of carnage that perpetuates with each generation. We are, as humans, truly cursed.

If my mind wasn’t hardwired for satisfaction through intimacy and connection with an actual person (one in particular after all these years) and I could be stimulated that easily with externally accessible equipment less than an arm’s length away at all times, I’d be every guy too. I honestly wish it were that simple for me. It would make my current (and possibly permanent) situation a lot easier to come to terms with.

Y’all know where I’m going with this and the only reason I am is to take away the stigma and power once and for all. There is nothing that has happened that is truly any earth shattering thing. As a matter of psychology (not morality) my husband took it farther than some and I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s where most men wish they could and plenty already are and they are your neighbor, your boss, your pastor, your brother, your son and your husband.

Everybody has done the math by now, and math was one of the reasons why I felt I had no other option than to go public. Care and provision for the family were being compromised. Because of the psychology involved (as explained in the previous post), there has been no private rational discussion possible. I’ve been desperately trying for over a year now. All he can do with me is deflect and dismiss and spin. He could barely ever talk about very minor things he’d done that hurt me, so expand that out to our current situation and…there is just no way. It is too much. He is not going to pull out of this any other way. But I have faith he can, at least to some extent, if he has nowhere left to run and no reason to. He has always been able to turn on a dime and switch out an addiction when it stops serving him. I’ve done what amounts to an intervention to make that the case. He doesn’t want to be that man, and now that it’s out of the shadows, he won’t.

This isn’t about sex. This isn’t about betrayal or a moral failure. It is about a Man, like any other, crushed under the weight of despair…except he’s not just any other man, he’s the love of my life and the father of my children and by far the most influential person in terms of shaping my spiritual life. There is no me without him. He surfaced enough the last time I saw him to be able to say the same – that there is no him without me. We are one flesh and one life. Nothing he has done or will ever do can nullify that.

I have no idea what we’re capable of being next, but I do know I’ve got to crush the Snake’s head NOW to stop the hissing lies of fear so that the Man can at least have a shot at living and we can eventually come back together as…something good, whatever that looks like, anywhere on the spectrum of possibility.

As I said before, he was there for me when I had my mental/emotional breakdown at the beginning of our journey with Four Creeks. Now I’ve got to be there for him as he broke at the end, and this, believe it or not, is what it has to look like. It’s because I’ve done the work to understand us (with professional help) that I’ve been able to figure out his language, learn not to be afraid when the most horrific things come out of him, and recognize they are a spotlight on what he feels the worst about himself that he cannot handle and therefore HAS to project on me. It is all he can do when he is consumed by fear and failure. The Curse of Man crushed him hard. As I said previously, no one could survive what we’ve been through without breaking. No one could be as isolated and vulnerable as he is right now without being utterly terrified and at rock bottom. We may process and express our humanity in vastly different ways, but I know that desperate place all too well and I cannot and will not abandon him there.

The only way to end this is to simply say out loud what is real and then let him see that the worst that is going to happen is that there are a whole lot of people who love us and nothing otherwise has changed. He has lost nothing, he will lose nothing, and he is free from here to do whatever he can and will with all pressure off from me.

There is nothing more for anyone to fear. Nothing more for anyone to hide and no reason to. There is no shame. There is no condemnation. There is only love. This is why I must finish the story and be done so we can all be free to love.

Reality IS Redemption

What Jimmy and I are experiencing is universally common to humanity AND ALSO personally devastating. And you know what? I GET TO TALK ABOUT MY OWN LIFE as the whole person I AM now using my own discretion alone to decide what is wise, what is good, what is beneficial, and what is love. I am a Woman who thinks, feels and now speaks without any fear. The truth has set me free and now I’m using that freedom to set other captives free. I picked up my own cross, shared in the sufferings of Jesus with countless agonized tears, kicked over a few tables in the temple because YES, I WAS ANGRY, I went all the way to that humiliating and torturous death alone, and I rise now to new life having conquered sin and death – AKA what it means to be a fucking Christian.

I lived it out in front of you, gave everything to all, went all the way into death and now I’m ascending outa here. Stop standing around looking forlorn up at the sky waiting for us to come back and do some more feel-good miracles for ya. You’ve got everything you need. Get off your ass and walk the path yourself, set yourself free…or don’t. As for me and my house – we are on to life abundant.

 

 

Living Above the Curse (Part 2 – Desire)

Are all men jerks? Of course. So are all women. We’re all assholes – foolish, narcissistic assholes, every single last one of us. Sexism in every form – misogyny, misandry; bigotry, racism, war, murder, rape, deception, thievery, slander, tyranny…all different flavors and labels for the same reality – humans are wired to be dicks, to themselves and each other, and there ain’t a one of us who, if we aren’t outright swimming in one of these, hasn’t at least dipped their toes in them ALL at one time or another and will consistently do so as long as we are breathing. Like I said in the last installment – we’re all cursed. That’s universal. The individual hows and whys are uniquely personal, and (as I’m going to keep circling back to) every aspect of being human falls on a spectrum.

Despite what any human tribe insists (and humans are wired for connection, so we ALL tribe up with whomever makes us feel most protected), there are no absolutes, no certainties, no “should be’s” no “have to be’s.” Nope. There just IS. This idea is all that remains now that everything else has been burned away. Everything is an AND ALSO

We are each and every one of us sacred images of God, capable of incarnating love and redemption AND ALSO complete idiot assholes capable of great, GREAT harm to ourselves and each another – often at the same time even within the same breath. I am, of course, absolutely no exception.

I am also fully aware that me admitting this out loud is what makes me so damn scary to so many people. Nobody wants to admit this about themselves. We all want to imagine we are immune, so we indulge in that original sin – fall for the lie and partake of the forbidden fruit that somehow we alone know the secrets to “getting it right” and hold the true knowledge of good and evil and how to apply it which manifests by obsessing on how everyone else is getting everything so wrong and trying to control everyone and everything in life but ourselves.

Ourselves in the moment is all any of us ever have control of. As such, I am, in this moment, taking control of my own life, ripping the band aid off, and writing the final chapter of the Exodus from Church World, the grand climax being the very public implosion of my marriage.

Is it the most excruciating and impossible thing I’ve lived through to date? Absolutely.

AND ALSO

It really is nothing special. There is no scandal or “moral failure” here. It’s just what it is to be human and to go through life. None of us gets out alive, much less unscathed. We all take our turn at being the oppressors and the oppressed. There are no bad guys or evil people in this story, only sacred, very worthy, very redeemable humans. “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

I’m under a great deal of pressure from all sides not to talk about any of it and have been shamed and threatened every step of the way for the last 6 or 7 years for not only openly expressing what is happening in my own goddamn life out loud but also my natural human emotions of sadness and anger associated with grief and loss that have been inherent in this process. It threatens the ability to self-protect and pretend of everyone else around me, and when people feel threatened they do very, very stupid, harmful things. It is because I understand this that I do not hate. It is because I understand this that I forgive. It is because I recognize this in myself that I declare there are no bad guys or anyone at fault or in need of punishment (because I surely want mercy and grace for myself). It is because I understand this that I’m still (perhaps delusionally) holding out for a spectacularly redemptive end to this story.

There just IS what is and I’ve got to deal with it as best I can.

By putting it all out there as honestly as possible (what I’ve been doing all this time in all my writing) is to expose the lie (the snake) that seeks to kill and destroy for the powerless nothing it really is. A lie can’t do anything to you in and of itself. You have to believe it and act on it for it to do any harm, and the harm is always self-inflicted and then deflected outward on others from self.

I’m setting everyone involved, myself first, free from the lie so we can ALL stop spinning around in the muck, get up, and get to living.

It is my great relief and pleasure to once and for all expose to anyone and everyone my own unique fucked-up-ed-ness and curses.

The Curse of Desire

“Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

Hello, my name is Jennifer Dickenson and I have attachment issues. I fall under the spectrum of class C personality disorders as a fearful avoidant. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being utterly unable to function in a relationship) I’d grade myself about an 8.5. At least I did before I died. Fear is no longer an issue as there is absolutely nothing left in this life for me to fear. The worst (for me as far as things I fear most) has happened in spectacular fashion, and it needed to be epic in direct proportion to my extreme survival coping mechanisms that I relied on to keep me numb and “safe” all these years. There’s nothing left now that I’m utterly destroyed. No shame, no avoidance, no self-protecting…but let me back up. This is who I WAS for 45 years before I died and why.

Family of Origin

If you have parents and family (no matter how exceptionally nurturing and supportive or exceptionally not) then you’ve got issues, because parents are human holy assholes too. Add abuse, neglect, or loss into the family dynamic and the issues become exponentially more complex and extreme. Point is again, none of us gets into or out of this life unscathed. We all have unique family-of-origin genetic and experiential curses.

It is being faced with my own human holy assholery as a parent that gives me all the respect and admiration for my own parents now as an adult even as I deal with our family-of-origin issues. The family I was born to is exceedingly wonderful AND ALSO unique in its very real dysfunctions.

I have a brilliant, kind, extremely passive and avoidant father. I have a much-more-brilliant-than-she-realizes mother who is not at all passive. She learned from her family of origin that there is a certain “right” way of being and doing and that her identity and worth and therefore her family’s (female – connected through her flesh) depended on staying within that “safe” and “right” way.

I have elements of both. Despite how I come across in writing, my speaking voice and mannerisms in person are very non-confrontational and, for the most part, shy and reserved. I’m actually extremely passive about most things and am most comfortable shying away from a challenge or fight. I don’t like it. I don’t like to be uncomfortable and I absolutely HATE making other people feel uncomfortable. It’s the worst as far as I’m concerned. But you push certain buttons in me that I care deeply about and I get super NOT passive really quick, especially if they are connected to the things that I am connected to through my flesh as a woman.

The easiest, least confrontational path to acceptance for me has always been to substitute avoidance of criticism for love. That’s my #1 survival mechanism/dysfunction from childhood that I carried through and relied on throughout my life. The price for that was to deny my own honest thoughts and feelings, stuff them down to the point of not even being aware they existed, and to put all energy towards being the good girl doing the “right” and “safe” things as dictated by someone else. Anyone else. Just never myself. I handed over my own power and autonomy out of desire for acceptance. No one took it. It’s no one’s fault or failure. It just IS because I’m human raised by a tribe of humans.

We also moved on average of every 2 years growing up. Sincere, meaningful relationships are extremely important to me. I can’t stand surface level anything relationship wise. That’s why I avoid most relationships until I recognize something authentic that makes it worth it to me. I wanted to belong and be accepted SO bad wherever I went, but just about the time I’d start to feel like I was known and accepted by the herd (school and church), it was time to uproot and move again.

Enter the teenage years and awakening of desire for the opposite sex in combination with those dysfunctions and you had a girl with very low self esteem, desperately wanting relationship, but horribly insecure about how to go about initiating one and therefore found herself saying “yes” to any boy who showed interest in her. Surely another one wasn’t going to come along and she’d better latch on to whichever one would want her. Then once in a relationship, she felt a sense of obligation and responsibility for the boy’s feelings – not her own. Remember, she didn’t HAVE feelings or wants of her own. In her mind it was right and safe to place those outside herself.

By age 18 I’d broken someone’s heart because I’d stayed with him out of a sense of obligation for his feelings and not my own for far too long, and I turned to another boy who showed interest in me to break it off with him, not out of romantic love but as another manifestation of my dysfunction and insecurity. But I was right back in the same situation of feeling responsible for the feelings of a boy, so I stayed with him because surely another wouldn’t want me and I didn’t want to hurt him the way I’d hurt the other. That boy, that sacred human, son of a mother whose heart and flesh were ripped apart forever, would be dead less than a year later because he loved me.

The reality of that was too much. I dissociated. I stuffed that horror down deep and ran hard by jumping back into freshman college life as if it had never happened. That is the traumatized, dissociated, nowhere near in my right mind (if I ever had one to begin with) condition I was in when I met Jimmy. I was a girl consumed by her own curses who fell for a boy consumed by his own. We were a codependent match made in heaven, destined from the very start to go through hell together. It could be no other way because we are each who we are. It is our story and it IS a love story because it is a life story. It is a human story.

A year to the day of the anniversary of the death of my boyfriend, Jimmy proposed to me. I technically knew this as it happened, but I simply would not allow myself to consider the implications or significance or absurdity of any of it. The curse of my desire was way too strong at that point – the desire for none of the trauma and horror to be real – desire for this Man I desperately wanted in every way for the first time in my life to be the “right” man who would take care of me and be the one to hand over the reigns of my life to. He never took a thing from me. I in my dysfunction and utter brokenness projected on to him everything he never had the capacity to be. All things considered, I’m incredibly proud of us both. We did the best we could with what we knew as who we are and that was pretty wonderful AND ALSO that old way of being together absolutely needs to die now.

Yes, a man ruled over me for 26 years, not because he is malicious or predatory in any way – HE IS NOT – I handed over my power and control out of my own desires – period.

Breaking the Curse

I know I’ve done a lot of talking about narcissism in relation to Jimmy. This is not a character flaw or moral failure in the least any more than is being an introvert or extrovert. It just IS an aspect of personality. Truth is we’re ALL on the spectrum and have narcissistic tendencies. My husband just happens to be heavy on one end of it and there are plenty of other humans out there on that end with him. He is the dismissive avoidant to my fearful one. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being a true sociopath) I’d rate him an 8.5 when he’s in his right mind and functioning. He has a tremendous amount of compassion and tenderness. It’s just compacted in the 1.5 and difficult to access and operate out of in ways most people conventionally do. But he DOES. He has been good to me and his children. He is a good man, and everything about our life in ministry together has been genuine.

He has his own family-of-origin curses and I know what they are and how they have shaped him, but his story is not mine to tell aside from the parts that are connected to my own. What I can tell you are aspects of his personality that have always been there and are not anything I haven’t always been aware of. Now they just make total and complete sense. To understand the why and the how is making all the difference in being able to let my desires for the husband I’ve wanted him to be die in order to truly love the husband I actually have.

Some of Jimmy’s defining characteristics that I no longer resent and can now accept for being what they are since taking control of my own life and allowing my desire to die:

  1. Elevated and grandiose thinking of oneself. He is, in actuality, quite brilliant and handsome, so there’s a lot to admire and appreciate. However, when he neglects the 1.5 it gets fucking ridiculous.
  2. Strong desire to dream and take risks – really big ones.
  3. Reluctance to see anything through to completion and abandoning projects/people in favor of a new dream/plan/exciting fix.
  4. Addictive personality.
  5. Great difficulty self-evaluating from a negative angle or admitting failure. Again, he CAN so he’s not a true narcissist in the clinical sense, but DAYUM is it excruciating for him to do so and he almost never will unless forced to, and if you manage to get him to that point he dissolves into a massive pile of pitiful butt hurt in direct proportion to the amount of dismissiveness and deflection he used to fight it. It’s why individuals high on this particular spectrum are so adept at gaslighting and why they do it.
  6. Tendency towards delusional thinking and flipping the script in the face of pain or fear rather than acknowledging and dealing with reality.
  7. Greatest fear is rejection and abandonment – hence all the extreme survival mechanisms to compensate.

Again, I cannot emphasize enough that my husband, though exceedingly opportunistic, is not at all malicious. I also cannot emphasize enough how genuine he has been throughout our lives together, especially in ministry – super especially Four Creeks. He and I both were operating exclusively out of our respective 1.5’s for an extended number of years. That took its toll. He was there for me when I came undone at the beginning of our journey with Four Creeks. I have to do what I can for him now that he has broken…and he has.

He broke and gave up over a year ago. No one could go through what we have without breaking, not even the superman he imagined himself to be. And when superman goes down – he goes down hard. When he is in his right mind at 8.5, he’s functional and loving. When his mind trips and he loses all hope, he goes from 8.5 to 11 into true sociopath territory. He did it in the beginning of our marriage and I knew when he’d done it again a year ago, I just didn’t know exactly what or how bad and I knew I couldn’t afford to until the right time or one of us might not come out of it alive – and I mean that quite literally. Twice in my life have I contemplated suicide, each one in the bookends of trauma in our marriage. Had this come out while I was in Visalia I don’t think I would have survived it. Not there. Not in that desperate place of rejection and isolation. I had to get out here to my family and find the strength to stand on my own first.

The timing has been everything. The only way out was to bring it into the light and expose reality and there was no easy, dignified or sanitized way to do it. I know this man and I knew he COULD NOT do it himself. I knew what I was giving up for myself as well as the condemnation and criticism I was inviting by going public (my biggest fears). But as a woman no longer held captive to her fears and desires I knew when I was ready to stop being a codependent and rise as Ezer. Jimmy is alone and vulnerable and drowning in HIS worst fears right now without me as the codependent he’s relied on to function our entire adult lives together. He needs all the love and support anyone and everyone can possibly give him to figure out how to be in this new reality. We need him to be OK and to come back to some level of sanity and functioning. He has lost nothing but his ability to hide. Everything, including me, is here and available to him in whatever capacity he is able to come back to. Without any reservation I will accept and work with whatever that is.

For those concerned about our kids, they are saving our lives and being absolutely amazing. All four of them are SO over their parents at this point, and it is for them that I am getting this final chapter out so that we can move on together – all 6 of us – in whatever capacity we are able. The 2 adults in their wisdom have removed themselves as far away from the drama both personally and online as possible and are focused solely on their own lives, as they absolutely should be. I am so very, very proud of them. The youngest two are amazingly resilient and are helping me pull my own head out of my ass (especially Libby) as fast as I can. As soon as I get this final chapter out, the focus and momentum is squarely back on them – again – as it absolutely should be and needs to be. There is a lot of exciting and joyous life to experience this year and we quickly need to get to a place of being able to live it.

I have only one more installment for the Curses – The Curse of Man – which is going to reinforce even further just how good a man my husband is and how very NOT shocking or “immoral” anything that has happened is in reality. Then one more piece of art as a goodbye/love letter to the old us and then…? I don’t know. I do know there will be no more talking openly about our marriage or him personally from that point on. The old us WAS for everyone. The new is exclusively ours, whatever that’s going to be. I had to finish the story though. How could I not? I’m narcissistic enough to believe it is of great cosmic significance and needs to be told for not only our own freedom and healing but also for that of many others.