Living Above the Curse (Part 3 – The Curse of Man)

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We all know the Venus and Mars stereotypes. Women are complex multitasking nurturers, men are singularly-focused aggressive hunter/providers.

Woman with the flu, a cramping, hemorrhaging uterus and a baby attached to her boob pushes through her daily myriad of responsibilities to take care of the family vs. male devastated by Man Cold.

Generalizations? Sure. It’s that spectrum thing again. There’s a wide range of expression of gender roles and no real “supposed to be’s.” There just IS for each of us what IS based on our unique makeup. What IS, generally speaking for the cisgender male, is a testosterone-driven drive to accomplish and conquer in order to find satisfaction and self-worth.

This is neither good nor bad, to be neither admired nor mocked (though I’ve totally indulged in misandry along with every other woman by doing just that). It’s biology and psychology. It just IS. The writers of Genesis recognized it in Adam’s curse.

“Cursed is the ground because of you;
    through painful toil you will eat food from it
    all the days of your life.
18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
    and you will eat the plants of the field.
19 By the sweat of your brow
    you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
    since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
    and to dust you will return.”

The Woman’s complexity of curses are tied to the flesh from which she came. The Man’s curse is associated with the dirt from which he was God breathed. The curse of Man is the futility of his work. He has to toil very, very hard his entire life, be frustrated every step of the way, and then die and return to dirt as if he never existed.

Damn. So much for satisfaction. Honestly, I don’t envy a man his curse at all. It may be singular but it’s very, VERY heavy. From my observation it also makes him more vulnerable (not weak). Vulnerable to what? Despair. A Woman’s complexity and connections are her strength. When one pillar falls, there are others to compensate. When a man’s focus of satisfaction and self-worth disintegrates it more often than not turns him to denial, distraction, and destruction and a desperate grasp for control – anything but facing this reality that his desires and drives are going to be continually frustrated and in the end…utterly insignificant.

A theory I’m working on, but this might be why a lot of men keep such a tight lid on open expression of sadness and fear and are often dismissive of a women’s frequency and freer expression of the “difficult” emotions. For a man, it’s a sign of the despair and failure he’s trying so hard to outrun, so he does what he can to shut that shit DOWN. Just a theory.

Males also have a typically strong and aggressive sex drive that demands regular satisfaction. Biology. It just IS. So it is no mystery nor shock nor anything new under the sun when every single male on the planet frequently satisfies themselves in the most efficient ways without “toil” or risk of frustration or rejection in coordinating with an equally-willing Woman by taking it into their own hands, so to speak, with the help of readily available visual aids. But there is also taking it by force and through deception/coercion. Survey a group of 20 women and 19 of us can tell you the first time we were groped, harassed, or sexually violated. All of us can tell you the constant pressure we feel to be enough to satisfy a man along with everything else we’ve got going on with our bodies and brains.

Long story short – humans are ALL sexually frustrated and incredibly insecure. Being a truly satisfied human – mind, body, and soul – isn’t easy and only we as individuals are responsible for it, but most of us give up trying and settle for an endless string of cheap fixes outside ourselves to get us by, especially when life gets overwhelming. Add the handicap of having the body/brain hijacked as a child (which is the tragic case for SO many) and…well, it’s a jungle out there and there’s a lot of carnage that perpetuates with each generation. We are, as humans, truly cursed.

If my mind wasn’t hardwired for satisfaction through intimacy and connection with an actual person (one in particular after all these years) and I could be stimulated that easily with externally accessible equipment less than an arm’s length away at all times, I’d be every guy too. I honestly wish it were that simple for me. It would make my current (and possibly permanent) situation a lot easier to come to terms with.

Y’all know where I’m going with this and the only reason I am is to take away the stigma and power once and for all. There is nothing that has happened that is truly any earth shattering thing. As a matter of psychology (not morality) my husband took it farther than some (but definitely not all by a long shot) and I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s where most men wish they could and plenty already are and they are your neighbor, your boss, your pastor, your brother, your son and your husband.

Everybody has done the math by now, and math was one of the reasons why I felt I had no other option than to go public. Care and provision for the family were being compromised. Because of the psychology involved (as explained in the previous post), there has been no private rational discussion possible. I’ve been desperately trying for over a year now. All he can do with me is deflect and dismiss and spin. He could barely ever talk about very minor things he’d done that hurt me, so expand that out to our current situation and…there is just no way. It is too much. He is not going to pull out of this any other way. But I have faith he can, at least to some extent, if he has nowhere left to run and no reason to. He has always been able to turn on a dime and switch out an addiction when it stops serving him. I’ve done what amounts to an intervention to make that the case. He doesn’t want to be that man, and now that it’s out of the shadows, he won’t.

This isn’t about sex. This isn’t about betrayal or a moral failure. It is about a Man, like any other, crushed under the weight of despair…except he’s not just any other man, he’s the love of my life and the father of my children and by far the most influential person in terms of shaping my spiritual life. There is no me without him. He surfaced enough the last time I saw him to be able to say the same – that there is no him without me. We are one flesh and one life. Nothing he has done or will ever do can nullify that.

I have no idea what we’re capable of being next, but I do know I’ve got to crush the Snake’s head NOW to stop the hissing lies of fear so that the Man can at least have a shot at living and we can eventually come back together as…something good, whatever that looks like, anywhere on the spectrum of possibility.

As I said before, he was there for me when I had my mental/emotional breakdown at the beginning of our journey with Four Creeks. Now I’ve got to be there for him as he broke at the end, and this, believe it or not, is what it has to look like. It’s because I’ve done the work to understand us (with professional help) that I’ve been able to figure out his language, learn not to be afraid when the most horrific things come out of him, and recognize they are a spotlight on what he feels the worst about himself that he cannot handle and therefore HAS to project on me. It is all he can do when he is consumed by fear and failure. The Curse of Man crushed him hard. As I said previously, no one could survive what we’ve been through without breaking. No one could be as isolated and vulnerable as he is right now without being utterly terrified and at rock bottom. We may process and express our humanity in vastly different ways, but I know that desperate place all too well and I cannot and will not abandon him there.

The only way to end this is to simply say out loud what is real and then let him see that the worst that is going to happen is that there are a whole lot of people who love us and nothing otherwise has changed. He has lost nothing, he will lose nothing, and he is free from here to do whatever he can and will with all pressure off from me.

There is nothing more for anyone to fear. Nothing more for anyone to hide and no reason to. There is no shame. There is no condemnation. There is only love. This is why I must finish the story and be done so we can all be free to love.

Reality IS Redemption

What Jimmy and I are experiencing is universally common to humanity AND ALSO personally devastating. And you know what? I GET TO TALK ABOUT MY OWN LIFE as the whole person I AM now using my own discretion alone to decide what is wise, what is good, what is beneficial, and what is love. I am a Woman who thinks, feels and now speaks without any fear. The truth has set me free and now I’m using that freedom to set other captives free. I picked up my own cross, shared in the sufferings of Jesus with countless agonized tears, kicked over a few tables in the temple because YES, I WAS ANGRY, I went all the way to that humiliating and torturous death alone, and I rise now to new life having conquered sin and death – AKA what it means to be a fucking Christian.

I had planned on writing a narrative of events from the beginning of Four Creeks to the end, but then They – The God That Definitely IS – dropped this in my lap this morning in the Facebook memories from 2 years ago and made it so much easier and beyond perfect. Jimmy and I are going out as we went in – together. We are BOTH going to tell the final chapter that was already written. We are BOTH prophets in the way of Jesus. We lived it out in front of you, gave everything to all, went all the way into death and now we’re ascending outa here. Stop standing around looking forlorn up at the sky waiting for us to come back and do some more miracles for ya. You’ve got everything you need. Get off your ass and walk the path yourself, set yourself free…or don’t. As for me and my house – we are on to life abundant.

The Final Chapter as told by Jennifer and Jimmy Dickenson

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “Living Above the Curse (Part 3 – The Curse of Man)

  1. This is a much more reasonable place to be. Not that being unreasonable is bad – I’m not saying that. But this post has much less estrogen-filled drama and is much easier to process (for me). PLUS, you are addressing an addiction of epidemic proportions with great grace, and awesomeness. And, it seems as if you understand that fear is driving this addiction and your need to process publicly isn’t helping.

    And – trying to force the Pharisees and Sadducee out of the shadows probably doesn’t work. It didn’t work for me, didn’t work for Jesus, and usually just gets people crucified and martyred.

    I am so proud of you for the work you have done on these pages!

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  2. Okay…I really do not like that the “estrogen-filled drama” comment was carried over here. We are allowed our emotions and our reactions. I refuse to let it stand that the things Jennifer wrote about are due to her body and brain producing and running on estrogen. Studies have shown that ALL human brains actually benefit from estrogen, and progesterone is extremely effective in the brains of males to treat many of their depression and anger issues.

    Secondly, our way of reacting to life and emotion is different than males…because we are different. And the things that we say, do, ARE very often will make you uncomfortable, and you can either DEAL with that…or you can diminish and dismiss it with tone policing and other ways of reducing the validity of what we know and feel.

    I think a more fair rewrite of your comment would be: “This post is far easier for me to process and receive because I am not as uncomfortable as I was in the last post when you relentlessly showed me how women have been affected by the curse of the Fall, and the part that I as a male have played in it. I admit that I do not relate and identify with it…because I am male…but I trust you as my friend and accept that what you say is valid and real, even if I process experience in a different way.”

    I also do not accept the whole “reasonable-unreasonable” dichotomy, a bludgeon that males have used since the beginning to dismiss, diminish, and dispossess women with…FAR too often it is “I don’t like what you are saying, so you are unreasonable.” You can educate yourself more on that topic starting at this link: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&uact=8&sqi=2&ved=0ahUKEwjFtYnBw8bRAhUIw1QKHeJ9AXwQFggkMAI&url=http%3A%2F%2Feverydayfeminism.com%2F2015%2F12%2Ftone-policing-and-privilege%2F&usg=AFQjCNHMtufK5Oeqt0AF7vAQO_xc9_kziA&sig2=XV0sMybOIT_8Y2BXnGJCNA&bvm=bv.144224172,d.cGw

    Lastly, if you wish, I will link you to a post that I made once…where I did a quick google search regarding “testosterone-filled drama”…not that the search term said that because no one thinks of MALES as “testosterone-driven drama princes”…the term itself seems insulting, right? Ah, but it is FIIINNEEE to say to women.

    But when I searched about drama that men do? I found thousands and tens of thousands of cases of honor-shame driven rapes, murders, murder-suicides, mass shooting-suicides, men who killed innocent people to get to the WOMAN that they perceived as having shamed them, who then killed them and then themselves…men who knowingly sleep with transwomen and then KILL them and THEN (cus taking our life is not enough)…THEN they bash their face in until the head is a pulp and decapitates, and take the body to a DUMPSTER (cus we are garbage) and then LIGHTS IT ON FIRE!!!

    That is an actual fact that has occurred hundreds of times, Gary…and you males whine about estrogen-driven drama…

    Yeah, when we are no longer put into dumpsters, when young girls no longer have their genitalia cut away with broken glass and shards, when we are no longer sold into slavery by F**ING MALES who are testosterone driven WEREWOLVES, well then I will listen to your wheedling about estrogen filled drama when a woman powerfully writes about her own experience of the universal experience of all human females and males…not ONCE did she blame shift, whine, or drone.

    Yes…the teeth are unclenched…I am taking agency back…for myself when I read your comment the FIRST time on Facebook and forebore my own reaction to it…my INTELLECTUAL reaction accompanied by feelings of frustration and anger and DISMAY that you would say that…

    and then to discover that you doubled down here. Well that whole NOTION of “estrogen driven” whatever can take a flying leap at a rolling donut (and were I to indulge estrogen-induced drama I would be far more scatalogical and acid in my word use).

    I will conclude with a poem I wrote on that “special day” that cis-gender people created for THEMSELVES as a sop to their own feelings, their own guilt, their own comfort…”Transgender Remembrance Day”…yunno, where all the names of transhumans who were MURDERED or bullied into suicide are read in a list…and everyone stands so sad…and then sprains their elbows as they walk away into the night patting themselves on the back cus they were cold a couple hours (yeah, it takes a couple HOURS to read our names off…glad we are worth SOOO much of your time)…and then the next year comes and the murder rate increases…and increases…and increases…

    Well F**K that. Here is how I feel about that.

    And here is how I feel about testosterone-driven drama AKA Rape Culture/Honor-Shame Culture/Patriarchy…grrrrrr

    https://charissagrace.com/2014/11/20/remembering-what-never-was/

    Charissa White

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    • There’s my girl. Preach! This discussion between 2 people I hold very dear and respect and value each for the literal god-sends they are for me in this story is more important and necessary than any words I wrote. I love and respect and cherish Gary and all he has so generously brought of himself into the open to meet me and encourage me AND ALSO he said something incredibly hurtful and downright dangerous, not just to me, but to Women as a whole, as Charissa so eloquently called out. I love him even more for it because he was brave enough to be honest in expressing his discomfort, and in so doing he revealed a dark truth. I will celebrate making an ass of himself out loud and submitting to correction and redirection because GOOD LORD – that is what I’ve been doing this whole time through my writing. The only way to get to the good stuff is to put it out there honestly and imperfectly and then mine the gems, toss the dross. The real trick is not to be so full of one’s self as to think every word uttered is divine inspiration and that turds are gold and then get butt hurt when others call out the turds for what they are. I’ve put myself out there and recognized plenty of turds worth flushing and was thankful for it. I trust Gary. I recognize a man who has gone through the refining flames, pride burned away, who is a wonderful HUMAN ally, most worthy of linking arms with to continue to mine the gems together and call each other out on our shit. AND ALSO “estrogen-fueled drama” IS a giant, steaming turd that has now been sufficiently disposed of where it belongs just as I flushed the testosterone-fueled drama king’s shit that was dropped in the comments on installment #1 – also by a friend (and a very dear one). We all drop turds along the way. My friends who are willing to join me in doing it out loud and then deal out loud in order to get to something good in the end are my absolute favorite.

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      • and THAT…THAT is the very best uniting I can even conceive of…

        What is so amazing is that you said AND ALSO instead of BUT…

        Because it is…and…also…

        We are human beings who are expressed thru two poles of the Divine, and because of the curse we view the other as OTHER and bent…it is actually opportunity.

        As a transwoman, believe me when I speak of the hurt and sorrow and horror and confusion not ONLY within myself due to gender dysphoria…but as I walked authentic and suddenly that “male” skin was gone…and all the stuff I never saw before (but WOW did I suffer from it and FEEL it there, hidden from my sight)…well brother DID I see it…in SPADES!!!

        I had gone my whole life without my body being touched by a stranger and suddenly men are grabbing my butt…both strangers AND acquaintances! Men are looking down my top if they can, or talking to my boobs…

        So I have true empathy for the painful discovery that one is an inherent sexist because it is all that is taught and allowed…it takes fire and loss to gain the makings of true authentic humanity.

        Thank you for hearing me, Litter Mate…thank you for SEEING ME!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • To see and be seen – hear and be heard has been my desire and drive since day one of the awareness of my existence. The entire journey of struggle of the last 10 years out of Church World has been centered on this entirely. And then there you ARE, my Litter-mate, with eyes to see and ears to hear the most real, most sacred, most impossible things no one ever has or could – instantly – and without either of us having ever laid eyes on each other and (until very recently) heard the other’s voice. Mama is so very, VERY good to her Girls. In the Beginning, God looked at all They had created and declared it GOOD.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. There’s my girl. Preach! This discussion between 2 people I hold very dear and respect and value each for the literal god-sends they are for me in this story is more important and necessary than any words I wrote. I love and respect and cherish Gary and all he has so generously brought of himself into the open to meet me and encourage me AND ALSO he said something incredibly hurtful and downright dangerous, not just to me, but to Women as a whole, as Charissa so eloquently called out. I love him even more for it because he was brave enough to be honest in expressing his discomfort, and in so doing he revealed a dark truth. I will celebrate making an ass of himself out loud and submitting to correction and redirection because GOOD LORD – that is what I’ve been doing this whole time through my writing. The only way to get to the good stuff is to put it out there honestly and imperfectly and then mine the gems, toss the dross. The real trick is not to be so full of one’s self as to think every word uttered is divine inspiration and that turds are gold and then get butt hurt when others call out the turds for what they are. I’ve put myself out there and recognized plenty of turds worth flushing and was thankful for it. I trust Gary. I recognize a man who has gone through the refining flames, pride burned away, who is a wonderful HUMAN ally, most worthy of linking arms with to continue to mine the gems together and call each other out on our shit. AND ALSO “estrogen-fueled drama” IS a giant, steaming turd that has now been sufficiently disposed of where it belongs just as I flushed the testosterone-fueled drama king’s shit that was dropped in the comments on installment #1 – also by a friend (and a very dear one). We all drop turds along the way. My friends who are willing to join me in doing it out loud and then deal out loud in order to get to something good in the end are my absolute favorite.

    Like

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