Endless-loop thought: – How did I get here-AGAIN?
I did everything I knew to do, everything I’m supposed to do, and once again, it just doesn’t fucking matter. It does not matter what I do, think, say, not do, not think, not say…the only one who matters, the only one I want has left me isolated in the horrible void – the upside down – to desperately try and fill his own with ???…whatever it is today.
Here I am back in San Diego. Again.
If we’re destined to repeat this cycle, I sure as hell hope it includes the miracle desert restoration.
It’s a hope I didn’t have the last time I was here.
Fuck you, San Diego.
Holding out for Blythe, our oasis in the desert – home, creation of new life, family.
That’s the last time I remember being truly happy and whole – there.
Praying (screaming into pillows) to Whatever God There Is that we can get to there from here…again.