Heya Cage-Free followers,
You may have heard that I’m packing up and leaving behind what was a particularly tortuous cage for me here in California and relocating to Nashville, TN to be near my family (the suburb of Mt. Juliet to be exact). The hubby is staying behind for at least a year to pick up his previous career as a peace officer before he went into full-time ministry 15 years ago, at a point in life when most his age are retiring. This not-at-all-easy option is our best shot at recovering emotionally (for me) and financially (for our family) from the last 4 years of church planting, nurturing and releasing.
I’m going to be free ranging like I’ve never done before (or felt allowed to do), and while this is indeed an incredibly exciting and healing proposition, I’m dealing with a great deal of stress and anxiety and battling my own cages of insecurity and self-doubt BIG TIME. I’m going to need to get out into the workforce and fast in order for us to maintain 2 households, getting out being the important part.
I worked full time from home as a medical transcriptionist for 13 years until I simply couldn’t hack the 40-hour work week and missing out on time with my kids visiting home from college. It was not at all a practical decision to quit as I was carrying our family’s health insurance, but it was either that or suffer another emotional meltdown from which I feared I might never recover and be useless to everyone anyway.
Then I went part time as an independent contractor for the last year until grinding to an absolute halt about a month ago. This too was outrageously impractical. At-home medical transcription is an introvert’s dream job with which I have a ton of experience and it can go wherever I do. The safe and sane thing would have been to continue on in Nashville without skipping a beat. But that’s the problem right there.
My heart stopped beating altogether in this old life. No part of me has been allowed to remain safe, much less sane. I quite literally…
I was rotting away mind, body, and soul, shut in my room alone at my computer with no real human interaction at work and mostly forced and painful human interaction outside the home in the form of church work for 14 years. That’s a long time to be miserable, but there’s my super power – to be the world’s lamest martyr no one asked for.
I have a tendency (and tenacity) to put up with highly undesirable things that are at least familiar rather than risk failure of the unknown to reach for something self-nurturing and fulfilling.
It’s taken me a lot of self-reflection and self-therapy to determine why I do that to myself, and I think I’ve recognized the root of this dysfunction is the fear of failure, more specifically the rejection and condemnation I fear will be leveled at me should I fail. Thus, I preemptively punish myself before anyone else can. I do this by consistently short selling and denying myself all the wrong things.
I’m intelligent, quick to learn, capable, well educated, and can clean up real nice on the outside when I want to, yet I have the hardest time letting any of these qualities shine. I suppress them mercilessly to appease the insecurity demon who shreaks –
“No one really wants to see you. No one will ever appreciate what you think or feel or bring to the table as yourself. Don’t show yourself or you’ll be rejected. You’ll only be accepted and liked drowning in mediocrity and conformity. Don’t move. Don’t speak. No one wants YOU. No one will ever want you.”
So I’ve consistently settled for what I imagine everyone else wants except for me out of safety lust…yet ended up traumatized and utterly broken anyway. Now I’m spitting mad at myself for the decades spent cowering instead of living and truly thankful for the massive rejection that killed me so that I could finally figure out how to live.
That’s where you, my friends, those who do care to see me and hear me and are invested in my well being, come in. I need you to not allow me to fall back into old familiar patterns of self abuse and dysfunction. I need your encouragement and connection, specifically connections for a job with, in, and through which I can truly live – spiritually, emotionally, and of course, financially.
I’ve got a legit resume ready to go upon request, but here’s my informal wish list and skill set.
What I’m Good At
- Working within structure and protocol, following procedures.
- Meeting deadlines.
- Communicating through writing.
- Filling out forms.
- Checking off lists.
- Being support staff to the dreamers.
- Being able to meet and often exceed expectations.
What I Need
Gah! There’s that demon again, telling me I should not ask for what I need, it’s selfish to do so, and no one cares anyway so why even bother. Then I remember I have absolutely nothing left to lose and everything to gain and he shrinks down to the size of a gnat…and I find great satisfaction in squooshing him.
- Flexibility – I’ll get the work done well and on time, but I work best when trusted and enabled to go at my own pace in my own style, which will always include being available for my kids first and foremost. I’ll have my parents’ help, which is huge, but I’d still ideally love hours that coincide with my kids’ school schedule and freedom to handle the inevitable unforeseen childcare needs. As my Littles quickly become not so little, this will become less and less an issue, but their care must and will come first. Some partial work-from-home options would be the bomb.
- People – So I basically just said I’m happiest when given a task and then left alone to do it, which is totally true. That doesn’t mean I want to BE alone. I like being an independent part of a whole. I like supporting and feeling supported by a team, working toward a goal together as we each are allowed to shine doing what we do best. A bit too Kumbaya? Maybe. But this is my dream list, so yeah, gimme a smallish group of coworkers I can get to know well and we’ll join hands and get to singing…then break and go do our thing.
- Structure – I can survive long periods of instability and take unpredictable events in stride, but I cannot thrive that way long term. If clear expectations and ground rules are set, I’ll be the happiest camper working like gangbusters within the system.
- Money – I need to make some. Full time with benefits would be ideal for the bank accounts. Demon brain turd is back, telling me no one would ever hire me for a full time salaried position. Squooosh.
- A good therapist – Completely serious. Nashville area Peeps, hit me with your recommendations. Still a lot more work to be done to silence demon brain turd and I could use some professional help.
What I Love
This is stuff I’m passionate about doing, things that charge me up. The ultimate dream job would be getting paid to do what I love, but these are things I’m always going to find time to do with or without a paycheck.
- Communicating important things – Usually in writing. As of the last few blogging years, important things worth communicating have been almost exclusively about whatever God there is and church culture. I do actually enjoy public speaking and teaching as long as it’s something I feel is of deep personal importance to a willing audience. I think my ultimate dream job would be a college professor teaching anthropology and comparative religion, but that would require a lot more schooling, so I ‘spose I’ll concentrate on a not-so-ultimate dream job in the meantime to finance that one.
- Seeing people – Truly seeing them, listening to their stories, learning from them and connecting; being constantly challenged to shed my preconceived notions about people, myself included, and having my perceptions broadened. I’ve very much enjoyed one-on-one counseling and facilitating courses in emotionally healthy spirituality. I’ll be looking for every opportunity to continue this.
- Writing – I absolutely love it. Writing is my one true creative outlet in which to communicate the important things. I’d love to write a book sooner than later. To get paid for that would be ultimate fulfillment indeed.
- Lots of alone time to reflect – Can one be paid to have lots of alone time to reflect? If so, THAT right there is my dream job. In lieu of that, I suppose a job with a sane predictable schedule that would allow me to structure my life around health and wellness would be the next best thing.
- Performing musical theater – For reals, I do. Haven’t allowed myself to even entertain the idea for many years, but now that my heart is beating again, it’s saying it would love that very much.
So there you have it, my friends. If you have any connections for possible employment, I’d be ever so grateful. Let me know if anyone is interested in my actual very basic resume, and feel free to forward this post to those you suspect would enjoy it. Cheers and thoughts and prayers and hoorahs also most welcome. Nashvegas, here I come!