I’m sure everyone can relate to parts of this regardless of gender. It’s not about any specific people or situations, just a composite of mixed messages I’ve received over my lifetime as a female. It’s been quite the task to undo a lifetime of conditioning and learn to listen to the only voice that gets to tell me who I AM. God declares that I am inherently very good. But in the eyes of most humans (many times myself included), I have to attain and maintain these things in order to be acceptable:
- Be pretty. No, be prettier, whatever you have to do at all times to be prettier…unless we feel intimidated and want to justify indulging our own insecurities or we’re just not in the mood to exercise any self control or basic kindness, and then it’s on you for showing off too much pretty. Be just attractive enough to where it’s effortless for us to like you without any of the hard work of actually knowing you and respecting you.
- Be smart, but don’t you dare think. Always work to be smarter, but do not show us just how smart you are ’cause, ya know, that intimidation thing again. You want to be liked, don’t you? Use your smarts to figure out how to show just enough smarts without being too smart and you’ll be fine. Don’t ever expect us to work to understand you. Dumb it down for us without making it look like you’re dumbing it down for us. Here, we’ll help you by putting you down, then as you’re scraping yourself off the floor everyone can see you having to come up to our level. There’s a smart girl now.
- Be bold and courageous. Come on honey, come out of your shell and show us the real you…except when it’s challenging in any way, then you’re just a bitch.
- Be honest. We applaud this wonderful virtue, except when you expose parts of you that aren’t pretty or are (again) too smart or too vulnerable. Some of that spotlight might accidentally get on the rest of us, threatening to expose our dark and messy places. We can’t have that now, darlin’. Yes, be honest, but learn to recognize when it starts to become inconvenient or uncomfortable for us and then be a good girl and STFU.
- Work hard. We’re perfectly happy to take every last drop of your soul, just start pouring and don’t ever stop. We’ll dictate to you exactly what and exactly how and when we dump a shovelful of shit on your head, we expect you to smile and accept our criticism like a shower of rose petals. We’ll think you’re wonderful (if we think of you at all) as long as you remain that steady, quiet, compliant worker bee and keep producing for us. But the minute you trip or fall or die and can’t any more? Well, that’s on you, stupid girl. Shame on you for not being enough to meet our expectations for you and not having what it takes to stand up under the weight of all we projected on you.
Challenge us or make us uncomfortable in any way and we can instantly paint you into the ugly, stupid, arrogant, frigid, ungrateful bitch we need you to be. One word. One second. That’s all we need. Remember that.
Now go be the pretty, smart, courageous, industrious woman of integrity God intended you to be!