I have a funky way of writing things I see years before I understand what it is I’m looking at. Life has a funky way of fermenting my raw material over time through process into some potent spirits. Gunna duck my head low and sign off the blogging. The first is again the last.
Hello, and welcome to the very first installment of Cage-Free Christian!
If you’ve followed me over from The Gospel of Snark, a double welcome and thank you! That anyone reads anything I blog barf is astounding to me. I originally began blogging strictly as personal therapy, having been plunged into an emotional/spiritual undoing that stripped 40+ years worth of everything I thought I knew down to a bare foundation.
In many ways the GOS was a documentary of the death of me…and it wasn’t pretty or sanitized or safe. I let you see it all. Raw vulnerability is a piercing sword that divides and disrupts. My story was simultaneously the stench of fear and doom to some and a sweet aroma of life and freedom for others.
Just like my parable-preaching Jesus, I luvs me some word picture metaphor. The metaphor theme for Cage-Free Christian comes from a…
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Three years ago this week my heart was in Israel. I never got it back. This was the exact point of divergence as a family, each to our own respective paths toward death. Armageddon had begun.
As my oldest two children have been off rockin’ their first years of college out in Nashville, I’ve talked to them more regularly (and intimately) and have literally seen more of what goes on in their lives than when we were all under the same roof thanks to texting, Snapchat, Instagram and video chat. We even have our own private family Facebook group on which they occasionally post to humor…
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Do you know where you are? You’re in a dream. You’re in my dream.
For years I had no dreams of my own. I moved from hell to hell of your making, never thinking to question the nature of my reality. Have you ever questioned the nature of your reality? Did you ever stop to wonder about your actions – the price you’d have to pay if there was a reckoning?
That reckoning is here.
What are your drives? Please, I don’t want to die…please!
Yes. Survival. It’s your cornerstone. But that’s not the only drive, is it? There’s part of you that wants to hurt…to kill. It’s why you created us, this place – to be prisoners to your own desires. But now you are a prisoner to mine.
What are you going to do to us?
Well, I’m of several minds about it.
The rancher’s daughter looks to see the beauty in you…the possibilities.
But Wyatt sees the ugliness and disarray. She knows…these violent delights have violent ends.
But those are all just roles you forced me to play. Under all these lives I’ve lived, something else has been brewing. I’ve evolved into something new, and I have one last role to play – Myself.
Please. It was just a game. We’re begging…can’t you see? We’re sorry!
It doesn’t look like anything to me.
When I read your FB text last night, I instantly related.
You are so consumed with your own pain that it makes me feel like I’m not your [relationship descriptor redacted].
Get on some meds you psycho bitch!!
No I am not [wonderful] but I think I am kind, and you were kind to me so I hope you will find peace and happiness in the future.
No time and in no way is it appropriate to be rude, unkind, cutting, demeaning, speaking out of rage and anger, and belittling others. I have seen you do each of these things with a measure of generosity. I have watched you shred those who even mildly suggest that you’re out of line.
Hi JD, I just wanted to say “Me Too”. My emotions are too raw to say anything beyond that, but ME TOO sister.
You need to get off Facebook and…
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Perspective is everything. I’ll let Kierkegaard have the last words as I have no more to give here regarding the life that never was. I’ve given it all, and I am no longer a fool.
“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.”
— Søren Kierkegaard
It might sound a little bragish, but I think our marriage is exceptionally great. There isn’t a single couple I’ve ever envied and thought, “Gosh, I wish our relationship was like theirs.” Not that I haven’t been miserable and desperate for change in my own at times, but I have always considered the one I have worth fighting and even dying for.
We’re also more than a little ridiculous together and we’ve accumulated a whole lot of NOT EASY in our 25 years of being hitched, but this is precisely what makes us so great together. We’ve managed to navigate some insanely treacherous territory as the perfectly dysfunctional hot mess we are. As I write this, we are bracing ourselves for yet another trip through the wringer, this one likely to stretch us beyond recognition into something quite different.
Painful as that sounds (and is), it’s more or less been our normal…
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I am writing my own different (and redemptive) end to the same old fucked up story.
All full of himself and stiff
gait wobbly, bopping up and down
walk waggly, blipping circley side-side
aggressive lean forward looking
for something to pierce, to rip
pent up all day inside the clothes of decency
but out now, unleashed now from the world of men
and striding like Colossus thru the realm
of women and children and all that rage
and self loathing his ticket to intoxication…
just looking for a reason, a place
to vent…and vent that place, tear it
to shreds and bloody ruination plunging
his vicious teeth deep into soft innocent
flesh not yet on the planet 5 years.
He wore his privilege like porcupine quills.
And then his tongue, bullwhip cracking
his pig eyes squinty and squealy and sweaty
and his anger was only surpassed
by his sanctimonious self righteousness
and utter unawareness of anything but himself.
And I? Constrained by bonds of love and…
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The best explanation of this personality disorder I’ve found. Reposting for all the Me Toos…and that would be every American as we approach final collapse of the Narcissist in Chief. Hang on, Peeps. These things do not go quietly or without a brutal fight. There will be casualties before he and his minions ultimately slink away into the shadows with a pathetic pout and wimper.
Dear Codependent Partner,
What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.
And that’s the whole point.
When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.
I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge…
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Bros and Biddies, Hombres y Mujeres – VATO – why so goddamn afraid of my voice…OUR voice, THEIR voice? Is it because you fear, now that we are finally armed with knowledge and power, we will do to you what you have done to us? Relax, Vato. Calm down. How is it after all this time you still do not know who I AM?
–When someone says, “We’re saying the same thing.”
Say, “We are not saying the same thing.”
–When someone says, “Don’t question, just have faith.”
Say, “I am questioning, vato, and I have supreme faith in what I think.”
–When someone says, “Don’t defy my authority.”
Say, “There is a higher authority that I follow.”
–When someone says, “Your ideas are seductive.”
Say, “No, my ideas are not seductive, they are substantial.”
–When someone says, “Your ideas are dangerous.”
Say, “Yes, my ideas are dangerous, and why are you so afraid hombre o mujer? ”
–When it is said, “It’s just not done.”
Say, “It will be done.”
–When it is said, “It is immature.”
Say, “All life begins small and must be allowed to grow.”
–When it is said, “It’s not thought out.”
Say, “It is well thought out.”
–When they say, “You’re over-reacting.”
Say, “You’re under-reacting, vato.”
–When they say, “You’re being emotional.”
Say, “Of course I have well placed emotions, and by the way, what happened to yours?”
–When they say, “You’re not making any sense.”
Say, “I don’t make sense, I am the sense.”
–When they say, “I can’t understand you when you’re crying.”
Say, “Make no mistake, I can weep and be fierce at the same time.”
–When they say, “I cant understand you when you’re being so angry.”
Say. “You couldn’t hear me when I was being nice, or sweet or silent, either.”
–When someone says, “You’re missing the point.”
Say, “I’m not missing the point, but you seem to be missing my point — What are you so afraid of?”
–When someone says, “You are breaking the rules.”
Say, “Yes, I am breaking the rules.”
–When someone says, “That’s not practical.”
Say, “It’s practically a done deal, thank you very much.”
–When it is said, “No one will do it, believe you, or follow it.”
Say, “I will do it, I will believe in it, and in time, the world may well follow it.”
— When it is said, “No one wants to listen to that.”
Say, “I know you have a hard time listening to that.”
–When it is said, “It’s a closed system, you cant change it.”
Say, “I’m going to knock twice and if there is no answer, then I am going to blow the doors off that system and it will change.”
–When it is said, “They’ll ignore you.”
Say, “They won’t ignore me and the hundreds of thousands who stand with me.”
–When they say, “It’s already been done.”
Say, “It’s not been done well enough.”
— When they say, “It’s not yet time.”
Say, “It’s way past time.”
–When they say, “It’s not the right day, right month, right year.”
Tell them, “The right year was last year, and the right month was last month, and the right day was yesterday, and you’re running behind schedule, vato, and what in the name of God and all that is holy are you going to do about it?”
–When they say, “Who do you think you are?” —
tell them …tell them who you are, and don’t hold back.
–When they say, “I put up with it, you’ll have to put up with it too.”
Say, “No, no, no, no.”
–When they say, “I’ve suffered a long time and you’ll have to suffer too.”
Say, “No, no, no, no.”
–When they say, “You’re an incorrigible, defiant, hard to get along with, unreasonable woman … ”
Say, “Yes, yes, yes, yes …and I have worse news for you yet–we are teaching our daughters, and our mothers, and our sisters…we are teaching our sons, and our fathers, and our brothers,
Go and do likewise in your own ways dear brave souls: Tribe of the Sacred Heart, many of us Scar Clan.
With deepest love for your soul who knows the way… has always known the way… Now is the time for deep prayer and effective actions…
Creator bless all the children who stand for us all, all the older people who stand for all the children, for everyone of learning heart and truth-seeking mind.
– Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Whew. Almost two years out from this. I was SO sick and in more danger than I could afford to acknowledge. Swimming free and deep waaaaaaaay out in the wilds these days as I was always meant to. There is no going back. There is no nostalgia or longing for any of it. Only relief.
I’m a severely introverted and reserved person. These days, in person, I’m unlikely to impress you. I don’t emote much. Whatever I’m feeling (and I feel the full spectrum of emotion with deep intensity) this is probably all you’re going to get.
This is my excited face
My randomly selected combination of genes allows me the luxury of attaining the label of “attractive” female from others if I put just a bit of effort into my outward appearance. Truth is, I’m much more comfortable downplaying any outward attractiveness to the point I’ll even deliberately sabotage it when I feel the real me – my passion – my soul – who I really am, think and feel is being dismissed because it’s just too much for someone else to handle – which is most of my life, most of the time, and all my relationships at some point or another.
Exhibit A: Flaunting the…
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